Yea but if I go solo I might chicken out at the last minute. However!! If I am strapped to someone else, they can just shove a sock in my mouth if I start to protest and cry LoL
So the plan is to head to Oxford when I am done at U of T. If i don't get in, i'll do my BA at U of T and then apply for Oxford again. Because I still have British Citizenship I don't have to pay international Student rates and i can choose to live on or off of campus. I'm just not sure which Oxford college location i'll be choosing. My grades are going ot have to be PRISTENE if I am going to go there. I know I've mentioned this before but it's on my mind again today :)
yay! a photo!
*prints photo & tapes it to the wall*
21:30:11 - Mar 23 2010 Times Read: 396
Last night I had a dream i was walking down a hallway in abasement. On each side were doors, and sometimes sinetad of doors there were window.s When i looked through the windows I could see cages, and dead animals that had been preserved, I saw crows and rodents all preserved but still in cages. I saw creatures i didnt recognise, alien like creatures. Then finaly i reached the end of the hallway and walked through a door. When i got inside there were cages, and then a doorway with bars across it. As itook a step forwards a weird creature at the door, it made shrieking sound which spooked me and i ran for the door. But stopped and looked back. It had eyes and thats all i could see on it's face. THen it walked away into it's room. As i ran back down the hall to the stairs dead bodies started running out of the that room and chasing me. I had a knife and i remember one of the dead bodies telling me to cut its throat. If i anted to kill it and the others i had to stab or slit their throats so i did., over and over again until i reached the stairs. One of the bodies was smiling at me and kept comign back to life. It had the face of a guy i have never seen before.
Wow! That was an awesome game, and it was good to see Canada win a gold hockey medal at home...and this is coming from a Yank - lol!
17:12:29 - Mar 20 2010 Times Read: 425
I feel like I am never going to escape my mother's legacy. All the things i wanted to say, all the things I did say last night, to Jill.. to the cops. *sigh* I can't sleep. I don't want to be here. I don't want to be stuck under someone elses rules. I couldn't control my anger last night. One blessing was that Andrew was one of the five that showed up.
Just.. i keep picturing her prissy little ass hanging back, watching as they escorted my friend Andy out.. a guy who's never called in sick to work ONCE in his life.. let alone someone who deserves to be escorted out by the police. The fucking bitch, all i could see was her, talk about tunnel vision. I wanted to rip her to shreads.
Last night proved that Gina, Janet and I can only rely on each other. That we can't trust anyone else, and being here... just keeps us trapped in the crap ass legacy that our mother created.
Another reason I am not having children... I can't control my temper.
The police were at the house last night because Jill said we were being too loud, and instead of coming downstairs to say anything to us... she had 5 police men show up. Let's just say I don't enjoy my sisters being scared and upset like that. Nor do I enjoy having a little prissy rich bitch think she can TRY and scare us by doing that.
It's really hard to find clothes, mostly tops to fit me. I have huge boobs and shoulders but a small waist. I hate this because it means even if a dress fits me PERFECTLY around the waist, my boobs and shoudlers usually make me look like a tranvestite line backer trying on a dress.
Tonight my older sister wants to go out to a nice place downtown which would be fine with me.. If iA. Owned a dress nice enough for the place and B could fit my mountains into it. The rest of the dress she gave me to try on fit nicely, and really complimented my curves... until it reached rocky mountain territory. :(
Hopefully one day I'll be able to find a dress that suits me, and fits nicely.
So Gina's first stop when she got here was our house, and then straight to the LCBO LoL! And then out she went, and I get a drunken text msg from her at 3am that didn't really make a bunch of sense HaHa...
And today the festivities start at 4pm! Well''' it's 5pm somewhere.
PRIVATE ENTRY 05:40:40 - Mar 16 2010 Times Read: 443
* * * PRIVATE JOURNAL ENTRY * * *
03:03:49 - Mar 16 2010 Times Read: 444
Helping a friend of my sister's find a place to stay, and getting him info on Social Assiatance. He's 17 and out on his own, poor dude. but luckily in Canada there is always an option and an opportunity. Loads of places to help in times of Need as long as you're willing to help yourself at the same time.
I know it hurts! I told you banging your head against the wall would make your brain smooshy! :P
If I wren't so fucking crazy! 05:20:48 - Mar 12 2010 Times Read: 472
What's wrong?
I keep torturing myself with these songs that remind me of us, him.
What parts of the "Us' are you reminded of?
The love, mostly. The connection and bond we had, have... It's so hard to let go. I didn't realise how much of myself i invested in him. It makes me wonder if I can really ever let him for completely.
You are still undecided?
I don't know...Christ I am sick of not knowing. Like, there's not one friggin area of my life that I can control? I knwo it's foolish of me to think I could control THAT area of my lfie but still.. Being torn between the two sides of my head is really driving me nuts. We had such a connection.
Can you describe it for me?
Easily. When we lay next to each other we are warmed instantly. everythign goes quiet and we're calm. Our hearts beat slower.. he sleeps better with me than any other time in his life. I can feel him in my body, in my heart, almost in my blood when we are together. Just a look.. a touch. It's not the romanticism of a budding relationship.. it's real. I think that's what I am tryign to let go off.
Instead of him?
Yea... I am trying to let go of the idea that he is the one and i might never find that connection again. I am scared, do you hear me, terrified i am giving up the one love... and i'll never get that chance again. I just want to cry.
Do you still feel love for him?
At this moment yes... tomorrow? Who knows. I don't want to trade Love for nothing. I don't want to be an idiotic twenty one year old who has meaningless flings, that isn't me. yet everyone tells me I am young. I don't feel young!! I never HAVE felt young! My life is not that of a young adult, nor is my personality, or my thoughts, my emotions. I feel so crazy.
How do you mean? At this moment, how does 'crazy' feel?
Overwhelming. SO many thoughts crashing around in my head and I can't settle on one... so much buzzing in there it just makes me so restless!!! I hate it!!! I could be so much smarter, so much more like the person I want to be if I weren't so god damned crazy!
Try not to be like me.. and, I am still as you are Now, after about fifteeen years.. or so.. not good.
03:37:45 - Mar 12 2010 Times Read: 476
Should upload a more recent pic of myself... Hmm.. maybe I'll wait until Gina get's here, we'll take a bunch when she's here as always, or I can scan the ones from ehr last visit in November.
Nosy Neighbour is one of the stupidest songs I've heard. Sure, the beat is good... and Akon's voice is nice.. But the lyrics fail.. I mean come the fuck on... and the video??? Even worse.
I'm a fan of rap, and hip hop and shit but come on... it's just the same one week wonder shit coming out of the radio.
if you dont like it then why are even talking about it...........
22:33:16 - Mar 11 2010 Times Read: 495
I had some weird dreams this morning. One part is distinctly remember this guy and I running from what seemed to be litle mosquitoes... and then we managed to catch and kill them. FIndign out afterwards that our own family had set them upon us! And i remember walking downa street accompanied by a mass of people. This crowd weirded me out so i turned off the street and we ran through a dark forest.
the other dream I was in the food court of Erin Mills town centre and was chatting with some dude working at Taco villa... i helped him put salsa on tacos lmao! And then i met up with some friends and i was having a great time. Then ran down the stairs tro the bottom level and these four dudes in light blue shirts were watching me and smiling... and that was it...there's more to it but .. I'm gonna use the excuse that I'm too sick to write right now... my brain just doesn't want to worK!!
I should probably clean the apartment a bit but I have no energy to do so. I didn't go to the registration this morning like i was going to, Couldn't drag myself out of bed. Lucky I've even had a shower.
SO today was an epic fail. Got out of bed late, fel sick had a fever for the past two days. But it broke today. NOw just have a cough and stuffy nose.
Went into work, and got fired. I knew it was a possiblity as they had hired too many people, and were looking to get rid of someone. UNfortunately I was that person. They said I closed too early in the evenings, and that I had madea long distance phone call on the company phone. Both UNtrue... SO i walked out without signing the write up sheets.
It's ok, I'll look at this as an opportunity in disguise :)
04:28:13 - Mar 08 2010 Times Read: 520
So i guess it's over.
After everything, it's just been so messy... after finding that shit.. there aren't any excuses. We were just faking it the whole time.
I hate this shit. I don't want to see another guy for a while...
Tired. Havn't been home more than five minutes today, and haven't sat down for more then 10. Jumping on and off of busses, running around Sheridan Campus only to find out I was at the wrong one for my test, but I still managed to make it in time.
*sigh*
Had two hours to do the exam, finished with an hour to spare, and checked my answers over. It was simple :) Hopefuly, saying that, I passed.
Work in the morning, and my College assessment at 5.. Wish me luck. It's been ages since i took a test like this. Should be easy, English is my strong subject but even so.. I've been out of school for four years.
My friend bought me a book for my twentieth birthday and I started reading it only a week ago. I am almost done and I must say it's amazing. It's about Werewolves, not my usual topic of reading... and it is set in Toronto, where I am from. The main female charaacter reminds me alot of myself, which makes the book even better... and the character relationships and dialogue are exactly what I look for in a book.
I love finding a gem like this without having to go looking for it :)
The training shift at "Second Cup" went well, apparently I picked up on things quite quickly. It wasn't really a problem considering the store is very well organised and labelled.
The interview at Putting Edge went well as well, I'll know byt the end of the week. It's a shift manager position and the hours are good... I've never had to manage anyone before though soo it'll be a challenge.
I had a dream this morning. Actually last night I had three dreams, I don't remember two of them as I was woken up by the cat or someone and forgot to remember. The last one I remember.
I had a few people over at my house, including my sisters and a bunch of my friends. I am outside in my drive way and I am watching the sky with a neighbour. The moon, which seems to be disintegrating around the edges, is moving around the sky, leaving a trail of dust behind in the sky much like a plane does with it's exhaust. It's edges seem to be made of sand. Then, a large chunk of it bursts into what looks like a miniature solar system of silver plantes or stars. This happens three times and then finally, the entire moon bursts into a solar system, bright and spectacularly silver I thought it was the most beautiful thing.
I realise that this is a huge deal and cover my mouth. Running inside to my friends I try and explain to them what has happened yet they don't believe me. My own sister mocks me and laughs at me. Like an idiot, I go upstairs to my room and sulk, staring out of my window. I open my window and let the curtains billow outside of it, while watching my friends gather one by one on my drive way. They see that I was right and look up at me through my window. They beckon to me for me to come down but I refuse, feeling foolish for having sulked.
I Watch them walk down the street, down a hill and feel saddened, and then worried. There is a snow storm coming and none of them had jackets, and I know they will not be back. I walk to the end of my landing and the doors to the main bedroom are closed. My mother is in there, dead, or crying. There is a leaver in the floor by the stairs and I pull it, and then pull the cover over it so it is camoflaged into the carpet.
Then I walk to my room, watching the snow fall and worry about my friends and sisters. I remember organzing the black slips that are hanging in my closet and thinking I should have fixed and organised my closet a long time ago...
placidchaos
19:35:26
Mar 30 2010
SinginGhost88
23:50:42
Mar 30 2010
Bones
05:47:26
Apr 01 2010