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Blog
Goings on
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October 2011
43 entries this month
2169 total entries
Honor: 2,536 [ Give / Take ]
06:44:47 - Oct 31 2011
Times Read: 162
*sigh* Life, how full of trick cards you are.
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00:58:05 - Oct 30 2011
Times Read: 186
Dressed as the Angel of Sin tonight ;)
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05:13:33 - Oct 28 2011
Times Read: 205
:( No Halloween Contest this year.
Ah well..
So today was interesting, went for coffee with a friend and had some good solid conversation. Was able to verbalise a lot of stuff that I had thought about while in Dubai.
My older sister told me today she was coming back from D.R. with her dog and was staying at my place. I told her she was welcome but the dog had to stay somewhere else. The apartment is a bachelor and tiny. With the three of us and my tiny dog and Janet's cat, its cramped as hell... her dog is not well behaved, and it bigger... and it's her douche bag BF's dog to begin with. He isn't taking any responsibility for it and expecting her to bring it to Canada with her.. and take care of it. Meanwhile he is staying back in LA.... for whatever reason, probably to cohort with friends or his ex fiance. (Douche bag is really too nice a term for him but, my sister doesn't seem to grasp reality when it comes to him. Not much I can do.)
She then got angry at me and said she would show up anyways with the dog, and I told her I would make him stay out side in the garage, or she could find somewhere else to stay.
She doesnt realise what her coming here, out of no where means for us. She has done it before and yes, I am glad to have her here... but she doesn't have any money and my budget is tight enough without adding another person onto it. On top of that there is no space here so we fall over each other and get stressed out and fight. She thinks we should drop everything and do whatever she wants to do. Then complains that she is bored...
She says she needs a holiday... a holiday from what?? her boyfriend??? Considering she hasn't been working for two years and does nothing but go to the gym and hang out with friends in DR....sooo...
I am at a loss.
I just don't know... I am angry and frustrated but happy that I put my foot down and told her No, even though she doesn't like it. She will try to guilt trip me, and not talk to me for a while but for once, this doesn't bother me. Not my problem, not my life. She got herself into this mess, and she can learn to get herself out of it. I have been there for her a million times over before this.... now, I say, Fuck it.
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16:14:38 - Oct 27 2011
Times Read: 209
*RAGE!!!*
Fuck.
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02:29:06 - Oct 27 2011
Times Read: 215
I woke up this morning with that dreaded feeling of being told someone you love has died or gone away...
Couldn't shake it all day. Wonder where it came from.
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01:28:18 - Oct 26 2011
Times Read: 226
I want to go for a run but it's pouring out.
And thinking I should re-evaluate my feelings around eating.. seems I have started developing feelings of guilt every time I eat something, even if it's healthy, even if it's not a lot and even if I was hungry.
That can't be good... Time to re-wire my thinking :)
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03:35:29 - Oct 25 2011
Times Read: 238
I hate, that when it comes to my sisters, everything is always somehow my fault. They don't take responsibility for anything.
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Well, Aren't We Naughty?
06:17:36 - Oct 23 2011
Times Read: 261
New restraints and corsets at work today.. Omg, I need more $$$, even with my 50% discount.
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05:34:18 - Oct 23 2011
Times Read: 264
What do I want more for my Bday...
The tattoo I have wanted for ages,
The driving lessons have needed for ages...
Or the other item from my work I have wanted for ages....
Damnit LOL
The need, over the want is probably going to take precedence.
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14:48:14 - Oct 22 2011
Times Read: 276
Dressing up in my Hallowe'en costume for work today!! :D
And all next weekend! Suhweet.
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Long Day
03:57:12 - Oct 22 2011
Times Read: 286
Wine... or sleep?
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14:43:44 - Oct 21 2011
Times Read: 291
North Bound Leather's Rapture Party this Saturday! WHAAAAAAAT!!!!!!!
=D
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Money Pit
14:32:08 - Oct 20 2011
Times Read: 301
After having our mould infested, barely usable bathroom up and running smoothly and completely re-done...
I fell asleep last night to the sound of rain water dripping in through the foundation of the house to the floor of the basement through the wall.
We are now gutting part of the kitchen wall and fixing the foundation.
Remind me WHY I would want to become a home owner?
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01:26:57 - Oct 20 2011
Times Read: 306
Sleepy. Only been at work two days and am sick of people coming in to try on costumes and having nothing but complaints about them...
You want to dress in something slutty for Hallowe'en then complain it's too short or too low cut???
Or that there aren't enough sizes... 11 days before Hallowe'en?
And ALL the creepsters and assholes/ bitches were out today. I had a man come in and try to show me his penis. Another man ask me if my boobs were real and such things... (apparently girls who work in adult stores aren't real women and won't slap you for being inappropriate? You guessed wrong.)
*sigh*
Glad to be back with the girls though. Just can't wait to be gone from AWN as a company.
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04:01:20 - Oct 19 2011
Times Read: 313
It's great to be back at work, but I know I have outgrown AWN. :) Time to peace out after the busy season.
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*fingers crossed*
16:28:02 - Oct 18 2011
Times Read: 324
If I can finish a Unit a week, I can be done two math courses by January no problem. Then when I go to Dubai, start and finish Calculus... and maybe get into U of T for Sept 2012....
But we'll see how well I do on this first unit first.
Dun dun dun!
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*dances*
05:13:48 - Oct 18 2011
Times Read: 330
Feeling pretty damn good.
Yes, I rock.
There is no argument to dispute this.
That is all.
=D
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Grrr
15:29:00 - Oct 17 2011
Times Read: 338
Math.
You make me want to punch things.
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19:58:29 - Oct 15 2011
Times Read: 363
*sleepy*
I started the first unit of my math course and I swear my brain thinks it's being hijacked.
Got in at 5pm yesterday, spent a few hours cleaning my apartment then slept. No jet lag as the A380 is equipped with special mood lighting that helps get you accustomed to the time zone you're heading to. But by 9pm I had been up almost 24 hours so I was down for some sleep :)
Continued 'nesting' this morning again, getting rid of old papers and such.
It's only 3pm but it feels like 7pm.
I know I dreamt last night... strange and vivid things but I can't remember any of it.
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Baffled.
16:16:12 - Oct 13 2011
Times Read: 386
For every single person who can provide an intelligent coversation here on VR... there are about 10-20 people who are too ignorant to even string together a grammatically, or factually correct sentence.
And the ratio may be even worse than that.
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15:23:31 - Oct 13 2011
Times Read: 389
Hoping to run the Mississauga 21K in May. My endurance is really good and I am hoping to run with a friend but she has a habit of backing out of things like this, due to lack of motivation. Hopefully I can keep her motivated and we can do it together! If not.. I'll just do it anyways :)
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Good laugh
15:09:22 - Oct 13 2011
Times Read: 391
HaHa Black berry not working?? Watch this, too funny!
http://www.boom973.com/jeff/blogentry.aspx?BlogEntryID=10300766
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18:41:17 - Oct 12 2011
Times Read: 399
*lick*
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Confidence/ Arrogance
16:09:24 - Oct 12 2011
Times Read: 403
Both are subject to changing definitions depending upon the speaker's perspective.
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15:37:10 - Oct 12 2011
Times Read: 405
I am going to have to practice meditating more, but my 'session' this morning was way better than last nights. Getting better at visualising, and feeling everything :) Still need practice though.
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15:24:39 - Oct 10 2011
Times Read: 422
So totally going to miss Jing's cooking while I am gone. But I shall return!!!
Nothing like authentic chinese cooking :D
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16:00:19 - Oct 09 2011
Times Read: 429
Well... I have finally come to a decision about Dubai that makes sense and makes me feel at ease a least about ONE thing in my life right now.
I will return to Canada for the busy season at my work, and after Christmas will move to Dubai. In between that time I will apply for jobs a Emirates and hope for a position by the time I move there.
Once I have saved enough $$$ for tuition I will move back and attend U of T and hopefully be re-hired at my AWN job for the next four years :)
And breathe.
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Aha....-_-
19:26:01 - Oct 08 2011
Times Read: 440
I don't know what the fuck I am doing.
*frustrated and annoyed*
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16:47:16 - Oct 07 2011
Times Read: 449
The British Government built the facilities necassary for the 2012 Olympics to be hosted in London....
And then they sold them to private companies for less than what it cost to build them..
They built them using the taxpayers money.
DUDE! WHAT THE FUCK?!
Don't be stupid. If you're needing to borrow money, which you have had to do in the past as well as recently, why the HELL are you selling GOOD, NEW, USEABLE property for LESS than what it is worth?!?!
Meanwhile, taxing the citizens of England more, and taking much needed money away from Social agencies and programs?!?!?!
Get your arrogant heads out of your asses or at least, for god's sake, fire and hire smarter accountants!
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PRIVATE ENTRY
08:23:12 - Oct 07 2011
Times Read: 453
* * * PRIVATE JOURNAL ENTRY * * *
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Have to Share
05:03:34 - Oct 07 2011
Times Read: 460
I started reading the most amazing book last night about the unconscious mind and how we perceive our reality and see things.The author broke it down very simply, using humor everything he says makes so much sense. It blew my mind.
I couldn't sleep with all the stuff buzzing around my head, I had to force myself to go to sleep ( we were getting up at 4am)
It's called Incognito, I forget the author, I'll update later but OMG... so amazing. Mind blowing!
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15:46:24 - Oct 06 2011
Times Read: 463
I am going to go broke by way of buying way too many books. I picked up four today and didn't even see the entire book store... and had to choose two out of the four I wanted LoL
I've already bought three books since I have been here too... Hope there is enough room in my suitcase. :)
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07:18:31 - Oct 06 2011
Times Read: 465
I finally had a one to one with Christine, told her how I felt about her behaviour and that it was going to stop this instant. Shit like this doesn't fly in this family.
She was upset, and angry, but I don't care. The only thing I care about is the fact that my father might see me in a different light now, not in a good way.
He's not good with confrontation, but I am my mother's daughter. (how those two ever got married is beyond me)
We will see if any of what I said sank in.
I'm not sure if I have ever felt this way about a person before, much less a child. Hatred and disgust. Almost every time I look at her, or when she speaks to me.
Dad says he doesn't ever want her to feel as sorry as she did after I talked to her. And that she is a bad person. She has to feel sorry for her behaviour otherwise she'll never see a reason to stop acting this way.
However, after last night, I'll never allow myself to have children. I know I could have gone about it in a different way. Helped her come to her own conclusions about her behaviour but I couldn't. I heard her start in on Dad again and I just had had enough of her talking to him the way she was.
I would be lying if I said I didn't feel a certain sense of satisfaction talking to her the way that I did. I wasn't yelling, but I wasn't speaking softly either. I wanted to drive the point home.
Nope. Never having children, I'l ruin them.
At times, I feel that Dad regrets that we are still in his life. A constant reminder of everything that went wrong for him. A burden he has to bare because he is too decent a man to just up and walk away. (For which I am extremely grateful). However, I feel as if we are nothing but a dissapointment to him.
Just another hassle.
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07:08:21 - Oct 06 2011
Times Read: 466
Who needs dreams like these?
It's better to be dreaming a nightmare then to wake up and be living one.
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16:57:30 - Oct 05 2011
Times Read: 482
He hits you. Lies to you, belittles you, and makes everything your fault. He controls you, isolates you and makes you feel like YOU'RE the one with the mental issue, not him.
He doesn't love you, he doesn't say nice things, or treat you to small nice things because he loves you... he does it to control you.
He gets off on manipulating you, knowing that he can and gets away with it every time. He need you to be there so He can feel good about himself. He needs to control you because without that control he has nothing. He knows he is a worthless piece of shit who needs to beat on you to make himself feel better.
None of this is your fault, you're not an idiot. There are many reasons why you stay, leave and come back. It's a big scary thing to know that even though you love him, you don't need him. You deserve better, he doesn't deserve one more moment of your young, vibrant, hardly even begun life.
You have people that ACTUALLY LOVE YOU to back you up and help you out. But you need to take that first big scary step.
I hope you find the courage sooner rather than later.
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PRIVATE ENTRY
19:50:32 - Oct 04 2011
Times Read: 488
* * * PRIVATE JOURNAL ENTRY * * *
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16:18:40 - Oct 04 2011
Times Read: 495
There is a very small window of opportunity here for running, in the morning before it gets too hot, and in the evening just as the sun goes down. It's great to be able to get lost here, as even though I am in Dubai suburbia, nothing looks the same at all and the side streets are just a series of mazes! I love it!
It seems I only ever get sick when I don't get the daily activity in that I need. Like my Great Grandmother said, "You have to work the cold out." Resting doesn't make me better, unless it's that ONE day where I feel like total crap. After that, I work it out :)
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Well that was weird...
09:52:57 - Oct 04 2011
Times Read: 499
Also, I've been waking up from that free falling feeling a lot recently. In the dream I am walking down marble steps and I always slip on the last one and wake up, jumping out of my skin. It happened last night, and at least once the past few nights.
When did I turn into such a scardey cat?
I was out today as well, at the city center, found the book store and sat down to read one at a coffee shop. Either it was the content that freaked me out, or something else, but I swear I almost had an anxiety attack!?!?
Call me a hypocrite, because I have never really understood people when they said they get anxiety attacks, seemingly over nothing... I never had patience for that kind of thing, I always thought people were just making up excuses. But what i felt was almost like panic. I had a weird, feeling on my spine between my shoulder blades.. almost as if someone were pinching at my nerves. And I felt... panicked?? I had to stop reading, three or four times, couldn't listen to my music and had to practice grounding techniques and breathing...
What... the hell is going on with me? I would still be sitting at the coffee shop reading if it weren't for this but I had to get moving, after settling myself for a few minutes.
How very strange.
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18:02:02 - Oct 03 2011
Times Read: 510
Applied for a Youth Case Management position today at Peel Youth Village. Also, CAMH is hiring for a social worker for the Early Assessment Schizophrenia Unit... I so want in!!! But They want someone who is qualified to supervise Masters students doing their placements. And someone with experience in the mental health field. I so don't want it to be 4 years before I qualify to work at CAMH!!!
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16:22:41 - Oct 03 2011
Times Read: 514
Well... this confuses things little bit now don't they.
Dad always has to ask the hard questions.
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Let it Burn
06:33:07 - Oct 03 2011
Times Read: 521
I am worth your time, and I am a valuable human being. I don't need to do stupid things to stand out and make you see me, I am beautiful inside and out, and that's enough.
And I am sick.
Pretty sure I have made a concrete decision about Dubai. Only issue now is finding work. Got to head back to Canada anyways because I am scheduled at Aren't We Naughty after the 14th, and have school stuffs to sort out.
Apprehensions? Just the idea of living ad working in a country with an entirely different culture than I am accustomed to.
I feel very alone right now. I am aware that moving here, I will experience this feeling, only stronger because I won't have a return date.
I need a constant in fluxof energy from people but only from people who's energy I want to be around. When I am around people I am sick of, or don't like, absorbing their energy is like eating shitty processed food.
When I do move to Dubai, it will be the first time I will feel a real twinge of pain at the idea of leaving people behind.
My work family, because thats exactly what we are. The girls from school, who I have been surrounded by for almost two years. And of cours emy oldest friends who's relationships I fear will weaken, as distance can do that to even strong friendships sometimes.
What's nice about realising I have these attachments is that I feel a part of me has healed and grown. Seeing that I actually have these attachments to people is just outstanding to me. It's something I have never been able to do before. Leaving people behind was always so easy.
What is it that I still get from talking to Grant? I haven't been in contact with him for a long time, and I don't want him in my life. But somedays, I still want to talk to him and see him. Pick him back up like a bad habit. Was he every really that bad for me?
Yes and no.
He let me indulge in some of my more negative habits and personal aspects of my personality, but he also helped me evolve the positive things that I had swept under the rug and convinced myself weren't there.
His "Carbon inprint" on my life was both equally positive and negative, that I would say his effect on me has left me feeling neutral towards him. Way better for having feelings for someone I don't want to have feelings for anymore. And much better than hating him. Just neutral.
I felt calm when Neel left that night, almost relieved. Why?
I cried soon afterwards.. felt... hopeless? Right now I am putting all that on a shelf. Not forgotten but not important right now.
I still carry a resentment towards hope.Mostly because I feel, more than anything in my life, it has caused me the most pain. It's only natural human conditioning to avoid and harbor anxiety about something that has only hrt you over and over again. I'd be a fool to ignore my instincts...
But I am a dreamer and an optimist. I like to hope
for things... remaining objective is a constant struggle. Just one thing I have to learn to get over.
Much like Aaron. I think I ave reached a place in my mind that sayd, I don't need him anymore. He WAS a good friend, someone I wanted around before. But now... he isn't the same guy I knew, and I don't want that kind of person in my life.
I miss who he used to be, but I wasalso different as well. Perhaps I have a problem letting go of people. Weird for someone who used to never feel attached to people.
Did I ignore it because I knew how much it sucked to constantly miss someone?
I miss his friendship. And that's it. I am at a place now that if he were to come up to me, ask me for something, I would still want to help because that's who I am. But I would be able to remain objective in this case and say No.
To look at him and say it and mean it. He would try to charm a yes out of me, as that is his way. Something about him I always loved, still do. But the idea of having him try to swindle his way back into my life makes me sick to my stomach because he isn't the guy I used to know anymore.
I won't let him in again.
This learning will help me remain objective in the future though it wil take some concerted effort and awareness on my part. As long as I remember this when the situation calls for it.
I love to lose myself in the moment but need to keep my feet on the ground too.
I've always said Mum should have sorted out her problems before she had kids. Now, I feel I was looking at it the wrong way. Having kids was probably the catalyst for all her withheld emotions and past. Like a lot of women she probably thought, hoped, tht having kids would be like having a second chance. That all of her past, her troubles and emotions would dissolve. Instead they ate her alive and in turn she resented us.
She had less and less conttrol over her emotions and mind as the years went on. The moer she tried to hang onto her sanity, to people, to us the faster things broke down. She was abandonned and it all caused her to unravel, over and over again.
Then came the move to Canada, and to Nova Scotia. Aways a fresh start but as she slowly started living her life, buried emotions ran rampant and took her over again.
Knowing this makes me feel I abandonned her. Now knowing that it was her emotions and unstable mind that caused her to say and do terrible things... knowing how hard and overwhelming that struggle is... I feel sad and guilty.
Question now is, do I want to become her friend, daughter again? And how?
Without letting her forget that there really were reasons why we left. She still holds to her truth that none of what went down over the years was her fault.
Am I old enough, mature enough, mentally strong enough to take this on?
Steady and slow should be the approach.
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PRIVATE ENTRY
17:48:53 - Oct 02 2011
Times Read: 526
* * * PRIVATE JOURNAL ENTRY * * *
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A good day :)
17:31:09 - Oct 01 2011
Times Read: 538
We went to the beach today, had a BBQ on the beach at little BBQ stations they have set up. There were plenty of cats walking around, one tiny kitten, all skin and bones hung around our camp site. So when Dad and Christine went to go get a go kart, I fed him an entir ehot dog in small pieces.
And he still wanted more!! I hate saying no and walking away from these hungry cats. There are two that hang outside Dad's villa, we leave water for them but no food. They keep the rats away and we keep them hydrated. It's a fair enough trade I suppose.
Christine and I played on the piano tonight as well, she has taught me a few songs and I had to reach far back in my memory to play a few classical pieces I'd taught myself when I had a keyboard.
I feel much better tonight than I did last night, and I chalk that up to everyone being in a good mood. :)
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deathnitegrl
08:00:54
Oct 31 2011