This song always makes me wat to cry.. it gives me that reason that I search for when I feel that I need to justify the tears that are on the verge of tumbling over the edge. An edge that I do not validate or recognise.
I can't remember the last time I actually read through a profile of someone I didn't know on this site. I rate everyone a 10, sometimes I'll view the portfolio, another 10.
I just don't care.
Once you start talking to me, then I will pay attention to what kind of person you are, and then go back and actually read the content in your profile and journal.
I am a huge journal creeper though. That's where I find most of this site's substance, and lack there of.
In the end... does a numeric ratingor level on a social website REALLY mean ANYTHING at all in the day to day progress of your life?
I am addicted to creeping through the journals. Addicted.
17:19:31 - Sep 30 2011 Times Read: 192
Trying to make up my mind about a big decision.
Do I get a job and move to Dubai for 6 months or so, making some pretty decent money. Or do I go back to Canada, get my own apartment and work two/three jobs so save up for tuition for two years of Uni plus texts.
There are a lot of pro's and a lot of con's to both. What is my gut telling me?
Dubai. A huge change of scenary, throwing me outside of my comfort zone on a lot of levels which I haven't done in a while.. travel opporunties and cultural experiences that I should take advantage of while I still can.
No I didn't, I was watching all their infomercial and scenes from a hat ones. Those are my favorite! And then youtube crapped out on me. :( It's 1am here though sooo gotta keep the laughter down to a loud roar hehe
Finally. 18:52:59 - Sep 29 2011 Times Read: 205
Defiance is a curious thing, it's easy to maintain while you still believe you have some degree of control. Strip that control away layer by layer however, and what you're left with is an exposed psychological state too flooded by hormones to do anything but present itself as a set of strings to be played by skilled hands.
I see.... No Children in my future :) 08:35:01 - Sep 29 2011 Times Read: 208
I've been baby sitting my sick little half sister for two days. Today I asked her to do some reading and writing and then she has to do some math. Not my idea, Dad's. She has done EVERYTHING under the sun to not read. She even tried to tell me that the new book I bought, The Stand, By Stephen King, a monster of a book, she said she read half way through while I was sleeping.
Gotta give her credit, she has balls.
Then as I got her to try and read her own book, she said she wanted to call her mum Jing in China... I said we had to wait for Dad's permission because it cost a hell of a lot to call China. She didn't like that. So now she is upstairs, sulking and pretending to read.
She only just threw down a peice of paper, yes threw, to me saying, "I like this book because it's interesting"...
She hasn't read the book, she is lying through her teeth.
I can't. Stand. This. Child! Which is ok because I am pretty sure she doesn't like having to deal with me either >:) I don't take any of her nonsense.
PRIVATE ENTRY 18:20:54 - Sep 27 2011 Times Read: 229
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17:56:40 - Sep 27 2011 Times Read: 231
Definitely having a really hard time liking my younger, half sister.
She is a 7 year old who has tantrums like a 4 year old. She gets angry at Dad for no reason, and cries as if she has a daily quota of tears to fill. She knows I don't put up with this type of nonsense, and I have scolded her for her attitude.
Needless to say I don't think she likes me, and that's perfectly fine by me.
I honestly find myself HATING her at certain points. And when she smiles, it hardly ever reaches her eyes....
Holy Crap! I actually located a Tim Horton's in Dubai! WOOT!!! ANd wouldn't you know, it's at the base of the building across the road from where Dad used to live. My first two visits to Dubai as a young girl.
We nick named the building, the NUmber one building, because it looked as if it had a number one down the side of it :)
Daddy issues 18:17:14 - Sep 26 2011 Times Read: 245
It's a little sad really, he doesn't know much about us, or understands why we are the way that we are.
He asked me today at Christine's swimming lesson, one activity out of at least 5 that she has, what we get out of our relationships with 'boys'. He said they appeared to be more of a hassle for us than a benefit, and that it takes away energy we could use to focus on school and setting up lives for ourselves.
My answer was this. However before you read this, understand that I know I wouldn't be who I am today if it weren't for my unique experiences. I accept that asboth a curse and a gift.
He would find when Christine is older, that her relationships will be much different in comparison to ours. Mainly because of that natural confidence she will always have that both of her parent's love her. Since day one she has been told almost every day that she is a valuable human being, she is loved and that she is beautiful. Not only this but her life has been stable and undisturbed by trauma and difficult adult situations.
My sisters and I did not grow up with such luxuries. Our mother didn't tell us she loved us, countless times I remember her shouting at us, insults, calling us bastards, bitches and the like. She resented us and it showed. Our basic needs were hardly met let alone the emotional ones. We grew up in a drought of love, if I should put it so empathically.
Our father, who did not desert us out of disdain, did so in order to provide us (And mother) with more money. So that we might be enrolled in swimming classes, piano lessons, ballet lessons, horse back riding, sports and singing lessons. None of this ever happened. It wouldn't matter in the slightest, we only ever wanted our father's love.
Which as we grew up, was hard to see. He was emotionally closed off, and didn't know how to express love. We saw him four times a year (When he met his new wife, it turned to two times a year, and now once a year) and had to adjust to calling out for Dad, to having him around. We were always like strangers for a day or two, and then got into the swing of things.
Everything was always so... relieving when we were with him. No stress, no worries, no tears, hardly any anger. And then we had to go back.
Now that he has a wife that he is better suited for and a child, he is learning how to open up but it's too little too late.
I explained to him, we will go after the first guy that gives us attention not because he is right for us, but because we still have a huge deficit in the 'love' department. We are at an age where we know we will never receive unconditional love from our mother. A loss that will never be recovered. And our father has a wife and daughter who take up the majority of his time and energy. It is not that we are an after thought, merely, in a different country.
He has said before that we are independent girls and believe he thinks that we don't need him for the little things. When I talked to him about Gina and her current situation, and I said we needed his help, that Janet and I couldn't figure this out on our own, he was surprised and looked at me as if "well what do you want me to do?" Making the entire situation feel more hopeless, and me well... feel slightly alone.
He is right, we need to focus on making a life for ourselves, I get this, and I am doing this only after being an idiot for 5 years or so... and still being emotionally unstable and with a self-esteem level that ranks in next to bulimic.
But what of my sisters?
What can I do for them???? We will never experience love in that true unconditional form, and so will we always end up searching for it in the wrong people? Being aware of it, I feel I can remain objective... but again.. what of my sisters???
Daddy issues.. too fucking right.
PRIVATE ENTRY 21:35:20 - Sep 23 2011 Times Read: 274
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21:05:07 - Sep 23 2011 Times Read: 277
Only problem with trying to do research on certain religious topics in Dubai is that, 90% if not more of the websites that contain information about non-mainstream relgions, or spiritual practices are blocked.
Having a really difficult time liking my youngest half sister, Christine. She was brought up quite differently than Janet, Gina and I. Spoilt, whiney, overly sensitive. Given things to her on a silver platter that she won't appreciate until she is older, given opportunities we would have killed for.
I can't stand her, but I respect her. She has my father's intellect. Very good insight into many things and extremely bright. But that is as far as my compassion goes. I find it difficult to be soft with her, I am quite harsh because I feel she is coddled too much by Dad and Jing too much.
I suppose I am a terrible person for feeling these things, and on occaision, I feel a slight liking for her..........
Guess I will like her a bit more wen she grows up??? Maybe???? But certiany not if she maintains these horrible personality traits that I loathe in anyone, much less my own 'family'
PRIVATE ENTRY 18:28:52 - Sep 23 2011 Times Read: 283
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06:18:56 - Sep 23 2011 Times Read: 286
The beach was great yesterday. It's just the end of summer here so the water feels like warm bath water, not refreshing cool water. In the distance you can seem them making another island, with their cranes and dredging ships.
Such is life :) 04:01:47 - Sep 22 2011 Times Read: 293
I love, love, love waking up to the sound of the rooster, the A 380 flying over head and the morning prayers... No I am not being sarcastic, i really do. Not entiiirely sure why.
Probably just because I am close to my Dad.
I had a good dream this morning. Well good probably isn't the right word but it wasn't bad.
I was at my old placement and someone was coming to inspect the place, but he wasn't an official C.A.S. worker. For someone reason, the staff tried to hide me. I ended up being hired for the job and they hosted a party for me. One of the yout threatenned to stab me at some point and I got offended and had a talk with her. Then I left in a car with my drunk friend Phil, who was working at he burger king (apparently). It was night and it was raining and I had my window down because it was humid out. I heard awoman scream, then glass break, a man's voice and then another scream. I called the police as Phil did a U-turn and we parked, waiting by the intersection from where I had heard the scream. We saw nothing but an EMS worker pushing a stretcher down the road.
We walked down he road and crossed to the other side, seeing a couple that were trying to coax other people into an apartment building. We followed and I ended up going up the stairs and seeing not apartments but vendors as if in a market.
Phil disppeared and I saw my friend Danny going up the glass elevator. I followed by running up the stairs which was made harder by the fact that I was in a costume??? I heard people behind me and I ran faster away from them. Two levels under the one I had to get to I stopped, seeing decorative needles for needle play. I thought about purhasing them, and almost picked one up when the woman came over to me. I had a funny feeing about her so I backed away and continued walking....
6:30 am in Dubai, 32 degrees centigrade out there... I'm going to go for bit of a walk about... maybe get lost :) Hopefully there won't be a real need for me to carry around my tourist visa and ID buuut I have to either way!!!
We are seeing this a lot lately.It makes me so sad.:( Our children are loosing hope Ghost.
And so many have only known cruelty.They feel there is no way out.
It breaks my heart.
17:33:39 - Sep 19 2011 Times Read: 320
I'll be singing at my friend's Christmas dinner again this year. Have to start practicing now, just not sure what song to do...
LoL I am still trying to make it fit into one suitcase. I hate the idea of traveling with so much baggage!!
There are families of three (Two adults one toddler) who load up 6 HUGE ass suitcases full of stuff onto these flights! I mean Please.. what the hell are you bringing?!?!
03:48:42 - Sep 19 2011 Times Read: 336
YES I AM IN BUSINESS CLASS!!!!!!!!!!!! On the A380 BOMB!!!!!!!!
Why can't I be someone's first choice? 02:32:29 - Sep 19 2011 Times Read: 339
I am really upset, and I don't want to be. I know why... and I really just want to get over it, but I can't. With everything else in my life going so right, why does this ONE THING have to get me down?!?! As if the world revolves around what happened. Why can't I just, forget and move on. I did it before, I can do it again.
Ever feel as if someone is watching you?? I have had that feeling since my first memory... but recently, it's been a lot stronger than usual.
Maybe it's just paranoia... I don't know But I constantly feel eyes on me, and feel a presence in my apartment or walking my dog or going for my walks...
Numerous times when My younger sister lived in Dartmouth/ Eastern Passage she used to call me at my old apartment in Toronto.
I died from laughter so many times listening to tell me of her adventures.
I had great fun listening to her. Sometimes missing someone isn't such a bad thing after all. It can make the times together that much more heartwarming and memorable.
I've been here three years, and with the exception of two times, I have not had any problems. But then again, I know I look kinda' mean, and many assume I'm a snob, so they stay away - lol!
I am not good for people, guys mostly. I am confusing, better yet I am complicated. Tiny portions of my life, given in bits and pieces is all fine and dandy. Friendships are easier to control, I can show parts of myself slowly, when I want. In a relationships, emotions go too deep down. The have a depth that is uncontrollable. The relationship spirals, and then crashes and burns. All because I can't control everything once the spiral starts.
One part of my life, not all the parts is complicated. Put that one part with another, and another, and another... put it all together and you've got my life. Overwhelming even for me, the person who has grown with it. To an outsider, someone trying to get in, it's just too much to take in. I am not good for someone to date.
Take for instance, my mother. On the bookshelves of my life she has an entire row all to herself. Even today, when i try to control how much the memories of her effect my emotional responses to situation, I slip up. She is not a part of my life anymore but she still insists on rearing her ugly head when I desperately don't want her to.
My sisters, are another issue all together.
My mental health. My past.
My living situation and responsibilities....
My need to control everything that I show others, and let others see.
Put it all together and what do you got? I am no good for anyone. I am complicated, too much for once person to take.
Oddly, my younger sister was telling me the other day about the dream she had that scared her as much as mine scared me. In my dream, Janet had been killed (shot). In her dream I had been stabbed and hung in a public bathroom.
We both saw the perpetrator as a shadowy figure. No features at all just the frame of a man, all in black. In her dream he carried a knife and in mine he had a gun.
At the beginning of both our dreams we were with friends, and surrounded by crowds that did not acknowledge our presence.
I wonder if this means anything...
I have been having issues sleeping, getting to sleep and even getting a light fever as I lay down and try to sleep. I know there is nothing medically wrong with me and I am hydrated.
I can't seem to get to sleep easily, and have problems maintaining a deep sleep. I feel someone is watching me, but that could just be paranoia.
EVERYONE needs to try jumping out of a plane!!! Best feeling ever! And I even got to work the parachute! I didn't realise what I was in for until it was too late! haha
And my instructor was from Leeds, and he had worked in my old hometown in England. He definitely made the experience that much more enjoyable!
I can't wait to go again! The feeling it gives you after is better even than an orgasm!
I had the worst dream, and it was one of those dreams that I thought was real even after I woke up.
My friend and I were on our way to Amsterdam, on a train, when the train stopped and we had to get off. We caught up with someone who was supposed to be our friend and we got into his car. He then proceeded to draw a gun and try to shoot us but we got out and ran.
He chased us and took 3 people hostage my friend and I lost each other, i went one way through the complex of houses, through the backyards, and i was calling to my dog because she kept stopping. Then I looked back and saw the guy through the fences holding a gun up facing three people with their hands up. I knew he saw Danny and was chasing her.
So I kept running around to the other side of the complex where I thought she would meet me. Then I heard my sister's voice, and Danny's. Yelling, asking him to stop. And then he said he only had one "Fan" left. Meaning one hostage.
And then the gun shot.
I screamed and ran into someone's house as I saw him coming around the corner for me. They ;let me in, a woman and her three kids. I made them be quiet and hide in a basement living room. There were footsteps overhead and I asked her if anyone else was in the house and she said just the nanny.
Finally, the woman's husband comes home and we go upstairs, I see the man burst into the kitchen and lay down behind a couch but he sees me and I jump up charging at him but he shoots me, bullets go through my side and my arms but I grab the gun and twist it around, shooting him through the head. At first eh doesn't die, just stands there and then slowly falls against the wall.
I leave the family's house and see my little sister who didn't get shot. At this point I woke up, overwhelmed with happiness that Janet was alive but so upset that Danny was dead...
Skydiving!!!!! 02:51:39 - Sep 11 2011 Times Read: 510
I think jumping out of a plane tomorrow is going to be one of the best ways to celebrate life on such a difficult day.
I know I will end up thinking of the people who jumped from the buildings at some point tomorrow.. In my own way I suppose I am remembering those people who seem to stick out the most to me.
Bare feet running over the snow she dashed madly for her escape. Not sure of where she is going, met only by darkness she stumbles but regains her step. Behind her screams of her prison echo in the wintery silence but she does not look back. A heartbeat skips for the memory of a 'little one' but she will think of that later. Right now her focus is to run.
Run, jump, dash, escape from the bonds that held her for god knows how long since her abduction.
Thrown from her average life into the claws of the monsters that ravaged her, sold her and then owned her.
How could she not have seen this coming?
The long nights, the twitchy, sketchy vibes she got from the men that visited her workplace?
All the time when she dreamt of what had happened, how she had come to be in that stoney dungeon, she had remembered the last day the last night... last moments of her life.
She was alive now, even still but not in the way that most people would think. She took in a breath and it held so much weight. She saw the light but in particles, not as a ray. She felt emotions... no longer delayed bu full force and unfiltered. She was one of them, but not.
She didn't belong anywhere.
I don't disagree with the pace my life is going at the moment but it's goddamn nerve racking waiting around for the next step to be plausible. I know what I have to do to get to where I am going professionally...
However, I am stuck on a few personal goals as well.
:(
It seems, as always, I am physically effected by the changing of the seasons. My appetite has skyrocketed and I am slowly but surely getting more and more sleepy. I am just like my Dad in that respect, during the summer time we are always up and ready for whatever, able to go on very little sleep. And i the winter time we are bears :)
I agree with the ending part. But the rest of the movie really was good in my opinion!!
19:17:50 - Sep 05 2011 Times Read: 589
Oh dear god, I have to take Grade 10, 11 and twelve (Calculus) math to get into U of T... I only need the calculus to get into U of T but in order to take the grade 12 calculus I need the grade 10 and 11 prereqs... I'm so fucked. I have 6 months to do this in... wish me luck, Imma need it.
At least now I am glad to say, that the anxiety I have been feeling over the last week or so, has gone! :)
U of T? Wait a sec, I missed something. I thought you were going to Dubai next?
Why Can't Street Kids Just Get A Life? 18:20:47 - Sep 05 2011 Times Read: 591
We’ve all asked that question before at some point when walking by a street kid. Why can’t they just get off the street? Why can’t they grow up and take some responsibility by going to school and getting a job?
Well, imagine being that street kid for a second. Getting a life is not a simple snap of the fingers. It isn’t easy to just get a job or an education. And they can’t always just go home. For street kids, every day is survival. Their life is based on simply getting through it. Finding food and shelter is their job, and even overcoming that doesn’t put them in any kind of position to find stability in their lives. Getting off the street is just the beginning.
So let’s start from the beginning. We’ll call this kid Steve. Steve’s day starts at sunrise in a public park. The sun hits him dead in the eye and he wakes up shivering. Steve springs up from the bench that he slept on to make sure his stuff is still under it. It’s almost nothing, a backpack with a couple of sweaters and a thermos in it, but two nights ago he almost got beat up for it.
He was walking through a different park across town when three guys sitting on a bench asked him if he had a cigarette. Steve ignored them and kept walking, but he knew they weren’t through with him yet. After verbally harassing him, they stood up and moved to surround Steve. He began to shake with fear. Steve told them again that he didn’t have anything, but they didn’t care anymore. They weren’t going to leave without something. They began to step closer to Steve. And closer. One pulled out a knife from his back pocket. Just as another guy tried to grab Steve’s backpack, Steve darted through an opening just out of their reach. They chased him for a few steps, but Steve was already far away, his backpack still in his possession.
This morning, Steve’s exhausted and he needs to get out of the wind. He picks up his backpack and spends the next two hours looking for an alleyway. Hopefully he can find one that’s quiet, and, if possible, has boxes or newspapers that he can use to protect himself from the biting chill. Steve scours the alleyways in his area and finally settles on one. It seems perfect and he can’t remember why he doesn’t sleep there more often. He finds a spot, puts his head down and begins to doze off. The sounds of the city fade.
He falls asleep. He dreams. In this fleeting moment, everything is OK. He’s in his old home, in a warm bed, everyone’s calm and there’s breakfast waiting for him when he decides to – “Get up, kid,” says the police officer standing over Steve. Steve opens his eyes as the officer informs him that he needs to clear out immediately. Steve rubs his eyes. Now he remembers the problem with this alleyway. He stands, picks up his things and starts his day again. Steve can’t stop thinking about his dream. But that’s all it was. Nothing like his actual life at home.
He can still feel the pain from his father’s fists. Hear his mother’s screams. Things had been getting worse and worse at home since his father lost his job. It all started when his father came home drunk from the bar one night. Steve remembers the red mark on his mother’s face the next morning and refusing to believe what was unfolding around him. But that refusal only made things worse, because Steve could never convince his father that he needed help.
So it continued, one incident after another until one night, it wasn’t just Steve’s mother that was on the receiving end of it. It was him. His mother screamed louder when Steve was being beaten than when she was, and those are the sounds that haunt Steve every single day. The bruises are gone now, but the mental scarring never will be.
Steve manages to snap back into reality, but reality isn’t any better. Steve has not only had very little sleep in the past couple days, but also very little food. He really doesn’t feel like rummaging through a garbage can this morning. That means it’s time to go onto the street and beg for change.
He’ll never get used to doing this, but he’s had to learn fast. Having to decide which street corner to sit on and beg strangers for change isn’t something he ever envisioned doing. He decides on a busy corner downtown and begins the hike in that direction. He hopes that the long walk is worth the extra money he’ll receive for being in a busier area. At least it isn’t winter yet. The very thought of spending all winter on the street sends chills down Steve’s spine. He’s felt a Canadian winter before. He can’t still be out here by then…can he?
When Steve finally arrives, he sits down on the street corner and takes off his toque. He eyes the people walking by and begins to beg. “Change please?” is what he usually says, but today he’s a little more desperate. He’s painfully hungry and it shows in the anguish in his voice. Steve always tries his best to not worry about what other people are thinking, but it’s hard. He can see the way they look at him. People are either scared of him, disgusted by him or they ignore him altogether. He’s not sure which one is worse, but sometimes it feels like everyone hates him for one reason or another. Today, one person in particular is very aggressive when Steve asks him for change. He tells him that he’s a loser and that he should get a job.
After a few hours and thousands of passersby later, Steve has $7.24, just enough for a burger combo. After waiting for a few moments, Steve slowly picks up the change in his toque. He stares at it, scared of what he might do with it. It takes him all the strength he has to not use the money for something else.
Two weeks ago, someone else on the street started giving him free “samples”. When you’re in a dark enough place, sometimes you’ll do whatever people tell you will make you feel better. It doesn’t matter who that person is. It doesn’t matter if deep down you know that what they’re offering isn’t a way out at all, but another anchor to keep you drowning. On these dark days, hope is replaced by distraction. Steve is constantly tempted to just let go and get away, but today he somehow fights that temptation off.
He gets up and makes his way towards the restaurant. When he gets to the front of the line, Steve dumps the change on the counter before ordering. The annoyed cashier counts it as the people in line behind start to get restless. Steve tries to recall the last time he didn’t have to pay for something in change, but can’t. It’s always embarrassing, especially when the line is as long as this.
He asks the cashier if she can unlock the bathroom for him and she hesitates. Steve is rarely allowed to use a public bathroom, even as a paying customer. But today, the cashier doesn’t want to keep the other customers waiting so she unlocks the door. Steve splashes water onto his dirty face inside the bathroom. He studies his reflection in the mirror. How long can he keep doing this for? When will this nightmare end? No kid should have to live like this. As he rinses, he begins to daydream. He thinks about the feeling of having a nice, long shower in a real bathroom. He steps out onto the cool floor and dries himself off with a soft, fresh towel.
Steve is snapped out of his daydream by the sound of a knock. He opens the door to find the manager. He has to leave now. Steve puts his head down, grabs his food and heads outside. Later, with his hunger temporarily gone, Steve is back in his only home – the street. Back where he has no hope.
There have been days when the shame has been too much, when Steve tried to find a way out. Steve recalls a time a few months earlier when he first started living on the street. He had woken up with a sense of hope that day he never felt before. He had slept in an abandoned warehouse another guy told him about and managed to split some breakfast with someone else staying there. That day, Steve was allowed to have something on his mind besides finding food, finding somewhere to sleep and trying not to get mugged.
So, he wanted to do what so many strangers have told him to do before – get a job. Steve was walking down the street when he noticed a convenience store with a “Help Wanted” sign in front of it. Steve took a deep breath and walked into the store. He went straight to the cashier at the front and asked about the sign. But all he got back were insults. The owner told Steve that he sees him on the streets every day. He told him his clothes were a mess. That he must have been insane to think anyone would hire a stupid, lazy homeless kid. Steve slunk out and glanced back behind him at the “Help Wanted” sign. This had happened before. He didn’t understand why no one would give him a chance. He doubted himself to the point where he began to wonder if he would even be able to trust the person who did. That was the day that Steve realized that the hill he had to climb was actually a mountain.
Steve hears a car’s honk that snaps him back to an all too familiar reality. He’s out of money again. He has no place to go. He feels physically and mentally beaten. And soon it will be nightfall. Soon he’ll be back at the bottom of the mountain once again.
This is just a glimpse into Steve’s struggle and the struggle that so many homeless youth face. There is no living, only surviving. And when you’re trying to survive on the street, every little thing is an obstacle. Every time you beg for change, every time you go to the bathroom, every time you want to sleep, eat or drink, nothing comes easy.
For many kids like Steve who want a way out, the struggle to meet basic needs is only the beginning. The coming days, weeks and months provide hurdles even harder to overcome. The physical pain may lessen in leaving the street behind but the mental anguish is constant when trying to forge a new life. Getting an education, applying for a job, admitting that you need counselling – these are hard for anyone. When you have to do all these things from scratch, the frustration can mount as fast as the confidence can fade.
From learning how to stay warm in that first winter on the street, to the first day back at school, from deciding whether to steal food or pass out from hunger, to deciding where to get a shirt to wear for that first job interview, there are endless obstacles for homeless youth.
Oh deaaar I am getting old(er). One of my work friends comes up from New York to attend U of T and he is living on res. I went over tonight wiht a friend to just hang out, and the house next door is full of young(ish) boys. There was about 7 of them.
Part way through the night, after 11pm, two residents from the houses down the road came by to complain.
Here is where my age recognition comes into play. I totally agreed with the guy making the complaint... and laughed at the young guys who couldn't seem to grasp the concept that in a quiet residential neighborhood... they were making a hell of a lot of noise.
Granted, maybe the dude could have been a tad bit nicer about it instead of throwing out threats right away but still... these guys are going to have to learn how to live harmoniously in this area before the school year starts or they are going to have issues with this guy. (Head of the neighborhood rules committee or something)
I had a great day at work. I love when older men and women come in, in need of a little Sex. Ed.
My first customer was a female over the age of 60 who had never had a G Spot orgasm... O_O
Ok, game face on. I talked to her about the G-Spot process: locate, stimulate and repeat.
She left with a book, one of our best (Customer approved) Dual vibe toys and some lube. And with a better understanding (I hope ) of her body.
Secondly a 59 year old man came in to talk to me about his wife who is going through menopause . And who had left ten days ago to go to Europe for some closure. He was worried about losing her as they hadn't had sex in over 2 years and she wasn't interested.
I talked to him for over an hour about shocking the body 'back into the sack". once it has been dormant sexually for over 6 months it can be really difficult for men and women (more often women) to get geared back into sex. So I set him up with a few things and he even called me back to say thank you. There was more to his story but way too personal (Not sexually related) to post here.
I get so many customers that come i, embarrassed and with SO MANY different challenges and difficulties... they just need someone to ask questions to and to listen to them and throw in a suggestion here or there..
This is why I am considering becoming a sexual therapist, because it's almost impossible NOT to be one when you work at my store. I am not saying that toys and whatever else will FIX a relationship by any means.. it takes a lot of communication and understanding. relationships and people evolve, and sometimes you need to re-evaluate yourself and your partnership and figure out what needs a new lick of paint, or a a bit of renovation.
The viewpoints that don't make sense to you are the very ones you should try to listen to -- because they are the ones that have the most to teach you.
No one ever promised that you would end up happy and in love, in fact those two things are never guaranteed in life at all. Believing that you are entitled to those things is the biggest mistake you can make. You will never strive for something that you believe is supposed to be given to you on a silver platter. You will fight, cry and surrender for things that you can't afford to lose once you have found them.
I had been single for almost two years when I met some guy in March. I dated him for maybe three months before deciding I would rather remain single.. And then Neel and I started hanging out, and talking more..
I had always had a thing for him but had let that go because I knew he would never date me because of my ties with Grant. And then a few weeks ago he said something.
I was happy being single.. I had shit to focus on and was able to just deal with me. And even now, knowing we are jst going to remain friends, probably forever, I feel let down, again.
Am I waiting for something?
I feel as if I am always waiting.. for something, someone???
I mention it breifly in my profile.. maybe a few times over i my journal.. I doubt anyone knows what/ who I am talking about..
People don't understand me and I can't blame them. It is through no fault of theirs that they become confused by me. I make it quite easy. I confuse them... I say weird things.
I go through a wave and web of thoughts and then act upon the final thought ad yet that person is still stuck on A when I am all the way at Z.
I have so many things I need to change about myself.
I was supposed to be seeing this guy Neel, a good friend of mine, but also best friend to my Ex... After a weekend of mis communication and my ex acting like a child... Neel decided he cannot betray his best friend and start seeing me.
ON top of the uncertainty of this situation, which has now come to abrupt, yet not totally unexpected halt... I am feeling lost.
I miss school, I am not sure where I am going to end up in the future, even with the plan I have set out. I feel ungrounded, like I'm floating and I am not in control of anything...
I just need something to bring me down. I have never ever had a problem with anxiety before but the last few days I have had some high anxiety symptoms and have been un able to sleep and eat.
I went camping with friends and Janet and flt like I couldn't enjoy anything. I felt and still feel disconnected.
I feel like, I have ruined everything for myself and that I will never be right emotionally or mentally... I feel like my mind is deteriorating and I can't do anything to stop it...
Everyone thinks I am crazy but I wish I was back in school!!! I had stuff to do everyday! I am happy to be having more time to see friends and read and go for runs/walks buuuut.... There is too much time to fill up. Fill up with my thoughts...
Once I am back from Dubai, I will be getting two extra jobs in the same area so that the apartment I rent will be close by. Working flat out 20 hours a day for a few months is exactly what I need. Plus I'll be taking a math class to upgrade my math mark for U of T.
Fingers crossed I don't go insane before I finish my next three degrees.
Requiem
02:04:56
Oct 01 2011